Mad Rambles

8:45pm: The Dividing Path
"You said you wanted more,
What are you waiting for?
I'm not running from you."
-30 Seconds to Mars "The Kill"

How many times have words failed me? In the past month, I must have been lost for words more times than I have all year. If words were a class, I would surely have to repeat it with the grades I'm getting. Ha ha. Wow, I should stop with the jokes, I think, for both our sakes.

I think I know more now than I did then. Then I was in love, to be sure, but I was also confused, uncertain, and naive. I know enough to see that leaving you was the worst mistake of my life. That every second I was gone, I was thinking about you. Your laugh, your love. Every second I tried my hardest to put you out of my mind. I'm sure it would have worked, but every thing reminded me of you. A song on the radio, a line in a book, a scene as I walked by. I was like a man on a boat under a waterfall trying to scoop out the water with a spoon. It was futile. For every one banished though there came a thousand more.

It's true I found my way back to you. My path in life divided again and again and again. Sometimes it was a struggle. The ending may not have been when I expected, but it was certainly better than the one I was striving for. What more can I ask for in life? How can I ask for more, when it's given me everything in a the form of the one I love?

Surely we are like two ends of a magnet. No matter how far away we are, it seems I always find myself back at your door.

I'm not even sure how I can express to you what this means to me. Is it really coincidence, or is it something more? Something so much more, something beyond our power to comprehend or control? If that's the case, I'll gladly float.

"Now, nearly forty hears later, I sit here looking back on that evening with the Chairman as the moment when all the grieving voices within me fell silent. Since the day I'd left Yoroido, I'd done nothing but worry that every turn of life's wheel would bring yet another obstacle into my path... but life softened into something much more pleasant after the Chairman became my danna. I began to feel like a tree whose roots had at last broken into rich, wet soil deep beneath the surface. I'd never before had occasion to think myself as more fortunate than others, and yet now I was."
- "Memoirs of a Geisha", Arthur Golden.


Hide Your Tears - Daniel Licht

9:12pm: For you... Aren't they always?
"You take away the old
Show me the new
And I feel like I can fly
When I stand next to you."
-Blue October "Calling You"

I've got these scenarios in my head. Little stories that play before my eyes of exactly what I will say to you. Yet somehow they never quite turn out the way I want them to. Maybe I play it out too much, maybe I think too much.

But anyway, I feel the need to tell you things. To say what I feel. To give you the world on a silver platter. To be there when things are falling apart. To see you laugh and cry. To be the one who is making you smile. I'm not in it for the sex. I just want to spend my time with you. Learn what makes you tick. See your every emotion. Look at your eyes. Feel your lips as we kiss.

There is so much I want to do for you. And when I'm with you, I feel like I can do all those things. Like if I were to jump out of my window I would fly, or you would be waiting at the bottom to catch me. When I'm with you, I feel so alive, so aware, so envigorated. Yet I also feel calm, content, and peaceful. I'm sure in some part of the universe, it's illegal to feel so many things at once. I would break any law, cross any boundary.

Three words that I want to hold more meaning. Three words that I would put my very soul in. Three words, that I give to you, but wish there were so much more in them. Three words, but I mean them with all my heart. I love you.


Romance No.2 in F_Op.50 - Ludwig van Beethoven

1:45pm: The Stained Cloth
"I just want one more chance
To put my arms in fragile hands."
-Anberlin, "Paperthin Hymn"

When I heard that you wanted to work things out, I was happy. No, that's not a strong enough word. I was estactic, thrilled, overjoyed. I, too, was tired of the fighting, and the bitterness. I thought that we'd finally be able to start over, a clean slate, meeting for the first time.

I'm sad and angered to say that I have ruined it. I must admit, my mistake was not directed at you in anyway, and it was not intentional. I promise. I'm sorry that you have taken it that way. You grew angry, distant, it was happening all over again. You never gave me a chance to explain myself. Never gave me a chance to tell you that it was a mistake, an accident. I never wanted things to turn this way. Right for the begining, I've seen where I went wrong. I didn't want to do that all over again. But why, why why! do you not let the past go? Why is the slate still tarnished and dirty? Why is it so hard for us to start over anew? I admit, it was and is my fault. You did not do this. But all I'm asking of you is one chance to apologize. One chance to make it right.

I will forever be the stained cloth.


Classic - -

4:28pm: How Cruel
"I, I been waiting for someone like you
But now you are slipping away.
Why? Why must fate make us suffer?
There's a curse between us
Between me and you."
-Within Temptation "What Have You Done"

When I first heard your words, they were like honey in my mouth. But I am forceably reminded of the Bible, Revelations 10:9 "Take it, and eat it up; it shall turn thy belly bitter, but it shall be in thy mouth sweet as honey."

For after I sat and thought, and thought, in my stomach, it turned bitter. It is not you, nor your words that were the cause. They were perfect, they were stunning; in every way they were exactly that I needed to hear. But I'm sorry to say that it is me that turned them sour.

I do not deserve your noble works. I do not deserve your overwhelming love. How cruel it is that the world has finally given me what I seek, and I find it is myself that is lacking. I am the monster, not the maiden. I am not the shrine, I am the sacrilege. I am no light at the end of the tunnel. I am not a knight in shining armor here to save you from your slumber.

Do not wrap your tender arms around me, they taint will your soul. Do not press your saintly lips to mine, for you will find them lacking. I can not be what you need me to be.

Go, find yourself someone better, it is what you deserve. Find yourself someone who can give you soft words and mean them. Find a person who will give you every promise and uphold them.

6:51pm: Love. Again?
"As time passes by I find,
Things never seem to change.
When I feel alone,
It brings me back to you."
-12 Stones "Let Go"

The first time it ever happened, it felt so right. Not like a new feeling, but like an old one. Like I knew you from before. Like you were everything I was searching for. Like slipping into a comfortable pair of shoes.

After it was over, I got used to walking in my bare feet agian. Callous, hard, never knowing the pain I was actually feeling.

I shoved it down, repressed thoughts of you. It was like a window. Each time your name was said, it would forceably open, causing a whirlwind in my heart. I'd force it shut. Each time it felt like I was shutting out a part of me. My brain. My heart.

But the window's open again. This time, for good, maybe? Maybe I won't shut it. Maybe I'll enjoy the breeze. That's what you were to me. My calmer. My catalyst that broke the lull. It's rising up now, all around; The dust that has settled in my heart.

Is this love? Is this that fabled Grail that everyone searches for and never finds? I don't know. Maybe. All I know is that you are the only one who can bring a smile to my face when I first wake up. Who can give me what I need, even when I don't ask for it, or even show that I'm wanting. All I know, is I don't want this end. If it's not love, I'll still take it, come what may.

6:55pm: Priorities
"I stick my hand into his shadow
To pull the pieces from the sand.
Which I attempt to reassemble
To see just who I might have been."
-Tool, "Third Eye"

It is around 1:30 PM, and my last hit was three hours ago.

Everything is falling into place. The Earth is circling the sun again, the buildings are cemented to the ground.

How can something so wrong be so right? It's part of who I am. It fills the void within, makes living with myself bearable. Would you take that away? It fills the empty pockets, it makes it silent, like all the little voices nagging me, jabbing me, have gone away for a while. It's peace.

What more can I say? What more can you ask for? I give you what you want. I give you what you need. I'm there for you a hundred percent. Why is it so hard to let myself have what I want too? I've got my priorities in line.

It's not like that, I'm not like other addicts. I know, not something you haven't heard before. I've got my priorities in line. I know what I need to do. Responsiblity. Everything in the right order.

And it's not the high speaking, honest. It's me speaking. I won't let you down this time, promise.


Funny - Daniel Licht

-&...&-
A/N: I don't actually support or do drugs, so you know. I just thought it would be an interesting perspective. *hides from angry readers*